3) Re-read Step One. Discuss and reflect upon the following ideas found in Step
One: a. Compulsive eating is an illness that cannot be controlled by will power (p.1., par.2).
I am so grateful to know that compulsive eating is an illness & not just me being defective, damaged or missing some gene to just stop the insane compulsion to eat & eat & eat.
I always believed there was something wrong w/ me for not being able to just stop shoving things in my face. Granted, being abused @ a young age in the kitchen did not help but the disease was there waiting for me to give in to it - to lose self respect for myself because a friggin' Devil Dog, rippled chip, candy corn, candy bar, &/or Swedish fish would just bring me to my knees. When I would have a bite of something it would just consume every single fiber of my being. It didn't even have to be a food I enjoyed -- it could be just one little "taste" of "this" or "that" that would send me spiraling out of control. I was turning & turning headed straight into the abyss quite the way an aircraft dumping fuel or a helicopter w/o propellers crashes through the azure or inky sky. I'd just whirl round & round until I crash.
So many times I tried to "control" my eating by just having "will power". It sucked hearing over & over that, "I'd just lose the weight if I exercised a sense of 'will power". Ironic, my drunken grandfather thought he had alcohol beat because he stopped. He wasn't recovered, he was just dry & exhibited all of the friggin' signs, attitudes & nastiness he always did - he was just w/o his drinking partner (my grandmother). When she died, he stopped. Well, I did have "will power" in many instances & for many things in my life, just not when it came to warm baked gooey sweets or a chip that I would just have one... three... a few... ALL of them & than some.Yeah, sure. It didn't even matter if it was stale or wet from the splashes from the pool. Nope, I had to have it or else... KAAABOOOMMM!!!
There was a lunatic raging inside of me that needed to be fed whatever just as long as it was stoked like a furnace. Once the madness began there was no stopping me & heaven forbid when there wasn't any "goods" around & just "diet" shit -- NOT good!
I'd load up on stuff @ the store -- As a kid, I walked to get whatever, steal it from friends or while babysitting or just grab a bunch of stuff for everyday, emergencies or just in case. I'd stock up when the ice cream trucks circled the neighborhood -- even grabbing my stash from several different ice cream trucks that made the rounds in my area & "pretend" it was for everyone when it was mostly for me. I even "grabbed it now" for the next day was a big joke.
It is a tremendous gift to see I have a disease ~ a dis ease. A disconnect w/ something that should be @ ease w/i my spirit -- etched in my soul. I no longer have to blame myself for being defective. I 'm never going to control it - just stop it in its tracks by placing it in my God box a day @ a time.
b. Another power, stronger than ourselves, had to be found if we were to stop eating compulsively (p.3, par.2).
I couldn't do it -- could not stop no matter how many times I tried, wished, cried or begged. I just could not do it. I would have moments where it would be, "OK" for a small "respite" only to come back full force @ times knocking me on my ass. There were times it would slither quietly back into my life, beckoning me to try this 'cause I got "it". I was lost. I just could not stay stopped. I prayed for God to make me thin -- no curves -- like a stick. I just wanted to have my cake & eat it to. I beat myself up because I just could not stop thinking about food -- it was with me 24/7 & many, many of my 24/7's. If only I could just cease this overwhelming mental dissent into madness. Trust me, if I could just stop, I'd be a mega trillionaire many times over because I would have the "cure".
I can't explain it, it is an absolute miracle to have God just take the degradation, compulsion & obsession from my hands. Today, I am proof that God is handling it for me. My HP -- GOD -- is doing for me what I am unable to do for myself & I am eternally grateful.
One: a. Compulsive eating is an illness that cannot be controlled by will power (p.1., par.2).
I am so grateful to know that compulsive eating is an illness & not just me being defective, damaged or missing some gene to just stop the insane compulsion to eat & eat & eat.
I always believed there was something wrong w/ me for not being able to just stop shoving things in my face. Granted, being abused @ a young age in the kitchen did not help but the disease was there waiting for me to give in to it - to lose self respect for myself because a friggin' Devil Dog, rippled chip, candy corn, candy bar, &/or Swedish fish would just bring me to my knees. When I would have a bite of something it would just consume every single fiber of my being. It didn't even have to be a food I enjoyed -- it could be just one little "taste" of "this" or "that" that would send me spiraling out of control. I was turning & turning headed straight into the abyss quite the way an aircraft dumping fuel or a helicopter w/o propellers crashes through the azure or inky sky. I'd just whirl round & round until I crash.
So many times I tried to "control" my eating by just having "will power". It sucked hearing over & over that, "I'd just lose the weight if I exercised a sense of 'will power". Ironic, my drunken grandfather thought he had alcohol beat because he stopped. He wasn't recovered, he was just dry & exhibited all of the friggin' signs, attitudes & nastiness he always did - he was just w/o his drinking partner (my grandmother). When she died, he stopped. Well, I did have "will power" in many instances & for many things in my life, just not when it came to warm baked gooey sweets or a chip that I would just have one... three... a few... ALL of them & than some.Yeah, sure. It didn't even matter if it was stale or wet from the splashes from the pool. Nope, I had to have it or else... KAAABOOOMMM!!!
There was a lunatic raging inside of me that needed to be fed whatever just as long as it was stoked like a furnace. Once the madness began there was no stopping me & heaven forbid when there wasn't any "goods" around & just "diet" shit -- NOT good!
I'd load up on stuff @ the store -- As a kid, I walked to get whatever, steal it from friends or while babysitting or just grab a bunch of stuff for everyday, emergencies or just in case. I'd stock up when the ice cream trucks circled the neighborhood -- even grabbing my stash from several different ice cream trucks that made the rounds in my area & "pretend" it was for everyone when it was mostly for me. I even "grabbed it now" for the next day was a big joke.
It is a tremendous gift to see I have a disease ~ a dis ease. A disconnect w/ something that should be @ ease w/i my spirit -- etched in my soul. I no longer have to blame myself for being defective. I 'm never going to control it - just stop it in its tracks by placing it in my God box a day @ a time.
b. Another power, stronger than ourselves, had to be found if we were to stop eating compulsively (p.3, par.2).
I couldn't do it -- could not stop no matter how many times I tried, wished, cried or begged. I just could not do it. I would have moments where it would be, "OK" for a small "respite" only to come back full force @ times knocking me on my ass. There were times it would slither quietly back into my life, beckoning me to try this 'cause I got "it". I was lost. I just could not stay stopped. I prayed for God to make me thin -- no curves -- like a stick. I just wanted to have my cake & eat it to. I beat myself up because I just could not stop thinking about food -- it was with me 24/7 & many, many of my 24/7's. If only I could just cease this overwhelming mental dissent into madness. Trust me, if I could just stop, I'd be a mega trillionaire many times over because I would have the "cure".
I can't explain it, it is an absolute miracle to have God just take the degradation, compulsion & obsession from my hands. Today, I am proof that God is handling it for me. My HP -- GOD -- is doing for me what I am unable to do for myself & I am eternally grateful.
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