Masking Problems

Overeating masked other problems in our lives (fears, anxieties, angers, disappointments, pressures, boredom) (p.5, par.4).



For me, overeating & all of the shenanigans surrounding it ~ the anorexia & the bulimia ~ were ways for me NOT to deal w/ all of the pandemonium encompassing my life. It was a way for me to numb the f@#% out. I had to endure the excruciating heartache, spirit extinguisher & soul eradicator of being sexually abused. I had to learn to shut up, not question why the adults didn't step in to take care of me -- a child. A little girl who took on the role of adult, people pleaser, parent & sexual object @ an extremely young age. I did not comprehend why my family didn't love me ~ why they could not love me.


I was immersed in the throes of my disease, trying to hide. I was running away from my environment, my family and the agonizing ache, humiliation & shame of the turmoil I was tossed in. I just wanted to make all of the paralyzing pain of having men say & do inappropriate & unacceptable things to me - a child. I shoved it in when no one held me w/o an agenda -- w/o copping a feel; I inhaled food when no one showed me they loved me & when I was told repeatedly:


"I wish you were never born"

"I wish you were dead"

"You were a mistake"

"You made my life a living hell"

"You should of died"

"You're a half breed"

"The "nigger" or "spic" word to describe my paternal heritage (since my Scotch Irish & German materal side was so much better)

"You're only good for sex"

"Who'd want you"

"You're nothing"

"You'll never amount to shit"

"You're dumb, stupid, lazy, a slut, whore..."

"You're looks will only take you so far"


Ad infinitum...

I ate to nurture me, to fill the hole in my soul, to erase the fact that I was "different", "broken" & "damaged". I ate so as not to feel like an outcast despite the fact I was the family pariah. I ate to just not feel anything...

I just kept on eating so I didn't have to feel the emotional, physical or spiritual blows the adults & children hurled @ me. I was always told I was beautiful than told I was so beautiful I was ugly. Girls & women were thrilled when the pounds started packing on so they could show off their bodies. When I was starving myself -- they lashed out @ me to eat, when I was so immobilized w/ the bulimia it didn't matter because I had no energy for anything really. So went my vicious, heart-wrenching saga of being trapped in a net like a dolphin ~ struggling to get free or like a panther caught in chains chewing off her leg just to break free.

I just did not want to deal w/ all of the bedlam on the home front or the commotion circling those in my immediate dysfunctional orbit.

I couldn't deal w/ all the disappointments, betrayals & secrets. I eventually grew accustomed to all the disappointments, that it was moot point to want anything or hope for anything. I put on a plastered smile -- smiles that never reached my eyes -- as something "new & shiny" was handed my way. Whatever. If anyone knew me even the slightest, they would know to give me books.

As for the betrayals & secrets, I learned to keep Every. Single. Thing. To. Myself or else it spread as rapid as a California wildfire.


The treachery ripped me to shreds. The violation of trust shattered something deep in my core. It wounded me, it maimed me & left a blaring message, TRUST NO ONE!!!


I just relinquished myself to food & the comfort it provided until it didn't work anymore & the disease turned on me -- like "reality" bff's!