The quickest way for me to head back into relapse is falling into any of the emotional &/or physical states of the H.A.LT. Acronym.
I have decided to work a program of recovery, so that means I have to honor myself & not play the same manipulative games I have done in the past when I was working a program of abstinence.
I have made it a point not to go to the grocery store when I am under the H.A.L.T cloud. If I am hungry, I am just going to want to feed that part of me – just to quiet the uncomfortable hunger feelings The choices I make may not be in my best interest & my disease may be selecting the menu. I have to be extremely careful not to make impulsive food choices if I am ravenous. Grievously, this quick careless spontaneous act will definitely lead me down the path of destruction, despair & ultimately death. Hungry for me leads to compulsive eating/binging, purging from the feelings of self degradation, & starving to make up for screwing up! I'd succumb right there by giving in recklessly to the vicious, malicious, surreptitious elements of my perilous disease.
As for the anger, I am a steaming kettle that has toned it down from a RAGEAHOLIC. If I am ticked off, look out. The serpent lashes out leaving others recoiling from my mean-spirited tongue full of angry verses. Usually the anger has nothing to do with an individual so much as it has to do w/ me & the way my addled brain perceived it. I am fuming because someone didn't do what I said or what I wanted. I am also angry @ something legitimate but because I don't really know how to handle it, I am simmering. When I am in this cantankerous frame of mind, it is best I just write my feelings, exercise, cry, reach out to voice my frustrations. So, eating while angry is not beneficial. Chances are good, I may shove it all in because I am not tuned into my surroundings; therefore, I am not attuned to my body's authentic needs.
Lonely, I do reminisce & feel lonely @ times. I am also lonely because I tend to isolate. I push people away because I've always been hurt by people I have trusted, so I come equipped w/ my own teflon. Feeling lonely can set me up for the “woe is me” scenario where I need to feel comforted by ingesting things that used to comfort me until it became a double-edged sword & wants to behead me instead. I have to sit w/ my emotions & take action not to wallow in being lonely. I have to reach out to program friends & family who know what I am going through because we all experience this way.
Getting too tired sets me up to eat – period. I don't know how to just accept my body needs to rest because it always had to be on alert to protect me as a kid. I was always “on” listening for the door, a car pulling up, footsteps, keys, a window opening... just listening to see who will be entering my room to abuse me. My body was always awake to the point of exhaustion. Now, I am listening to my body, respecting it by giving in when I am tired. No longer do I have to keep going & going & going like the Energizer bunny. I am me & I am the only one who can take care of me & my precious body. I am respecting myself so if I am tired no amount of food is going to make me rest. What I must do is grab a book, a flawless candle & crawl into bed.
I need to remember H.A.LT. If any of my attitudes start to rear its twisted head.
Now... As for the other H.A.LT. Acronym : Horny, Angry, Lazy, Tragic...
I pass! Hahaha!!!
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