Rigorous Honesty

Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.'s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme,doesn't care for this prospect - unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 24


I am a compulsive overeater, anorexic & bulimic. Damn, I hate saying those words. No matter how long I have been in the rooms the words "compulsive overeater" just makes me feel so slovenly. Like a huge beast not in control. The thing is I am a compulsive overeater & because of my shenanigans I learned how to curtail the physical manifestation as best as I could by restricting & then by purging. Games. All because I didn't want to own up to the fact I was POWERLESS. I always longed for the day when I would "win the prize" & "treat" myself to something for being "good" for reaching a point in my sick, twisted, diseased mind when I could pick up such & such again. I always had a case of amnesia when it came to remembering what happened to myself when I ingested certain foods. How I was no different than a crack head wanting to just lose myself to the feeling of momentary aaahhh-ness. It didn't matter that I was killing myself -- I just wanted my *fix* & God help those who got in the way of me in the clutches of my disease. Whew! I was a RAGING BITCH!!!

Bottom line, I am a compulsive overeater & my disease has branched out to the anorexia & bulimia because I didn't like the fat. I learned tricks to keep from growing to a disgusting elephant. Hated the plus size clothing. Hated the comments & whispers -- or the blatant mean words about my size. It didn't matter who I was all people noticed was the weight piling on. The more I was sexually abused, the angrier I became -- so into the food I went. A vivacious cycle it was for me to chew/crunch the rage & to soothe the wounds of my soul w/ food. Only to loathe myself for not having "willpower" to just STOP! When I couldn't STOP -- I purged. I restricted. I HATED not being normal... whatever the hell that was/is. Is there even such a thing as "normal"? I mean, perhaps there are select beings who are "normal" (still not sure about these aliens).

I know w/ my recovery, if I binge, purge or restrict I WILL DIE!!! I don't have the luxury of "pretending" I haven't a clue as I stuff something in my mouth, bring it up, exercise to the point of insanity &/or restrict. No more lies. No more smoke & mirrors living! Nope. NO MORE LYING. LYING = DYING!

I have to be honest -- when thoughts pop into my head... instead of ignoring them, I must see where they are coming from? What is going on w/ me... my surroundings. What am I feeling. Feelings for me are the reason I get into my disease. I have to be rigorously honest for me -- to stay alive. To be a part of recovery instead of disease. Am I going to meetings? Sharing? Writing? Talking to my sponsor? Sponees? Am I isolating? Working the program? Reaching into my toolbox? Do I want recovery? Relapse?

I have to be rigorously honest in all my affairs -- did someone give me the wrong change? Did I not own up to it? Did I take something that wasn't mind? Long gone are the days of eating someone else's french fries & pretending the fry attendant didn't fill it up. Please, I was filling me up. I don't have to pretend I feel sick only to purge. I don't have to get my exercise in -- again -- & act as if I didn't because I was purging w/ my exercise. I have to own up to the fact that I suffer from exercise bulimia & I have to limit my workouts or else I am back in the arms of death masking as my disease.

I must be honest & say this is making my disease rattle its cage:


~ The weight loss commericals

~ Slim Fast commericals

~ The New South Beach Program

~ Jillian Michaels

~ Spring

~ Summer

~ Short sleeves... wanna pump iron overtime

Rigorous Honesty will keep me in recovery today... it's all I have -- 24 hours.