Step 6 ~ Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

"From now on, we strive to keep ourselves entirely ready for any transformation our Higher Power wants to bring about in us. Having such an attitude, we cannot fail. We will become wiser, saner, more effective people as we recover from the disease of compulsive eating. We'll find we can cope with both good times and bad, learning and growing spiritually from each experience as our Higher Power intended us to do all along." pg 58


Step 6 ~ Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.


Hmmm... Defects... What on earth are those? I don't have any! Geez! *Stomp* *Pout* *Eyes roll*... not to mention shrieking "Mother #$%^@*"!!! Insert slamming or tossing something... while wishing it was someone... or several someones. Hahaha!


Preparation & reflection comes to my mind when I think of Step 6. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Change happens when I'm working my program. Whether it is change I am anxious, excited or uncomfortable about... it is coming. Now, I have to make sure -- be absolutely certain -- I am ready to embrace these changes. I must be honest w/ myself. I must align my heart, mind, spirit & soul to be unequivocally ready & willing for God to remove every one of my defects of character that have enabled my destructive ~ banshee screaming ~ addictive behavior(s). Temper tantrums included.

This also means I have to let go of certain people, places, situations & things to allow God to do the work that needs to be done. Why was I so annoyed, frustrated, pissed off, short-tempered and full of rage? Why? Why? Oh, because I'd been playing GOD -- doing HIS part in the spiritual growth process. Imagine that... me playing GOD! My role was "being entirely ready" to let God !


How miraculous it is when I surrender & hand over the reigns. When I ask Jesus to take the wheel there is brilliance -- no drama. How awe-inspiring & utterly amazing His energy is. His dynamism is a prism of iridescence.

God's omnipotence is released to flow through our lives to clean them only when we quit trying to control the how & when He is to use that power. It means, no more piloting the aircraft... it means time to kick back & allow the majestic Prince to chauffeur me in an Escalade limo. Ha! Relinquish the puppet strings & breathe.


It is imperative for me to remember that I am human & should not place unrealistic expectations on myself.

As I give my defects of character to God, I must do my best to eschew self-condemnation, self-degradation & feelings of worthlessness. Eradicate my defects as they reveal themselves to me.

Memo to Self:

BE GENTLE

BE LOVING

BE RESPECTFUL


Some of my defects...

Guilt:

I feel the abuse was my fault & I somehow caused it.

When I say I am unable to do something.

When I hog the remote/DVR.

Possessiveness:

I am a bit of a JEALOUS chica...Mine. Mine. Mine. ALL MINE. 'NUFF SAID!

Ooohh, they belong to me!

DO NOT TOUCH! "THE END".

Procrastination:

Ahem...*cough* Aaahhh..*cough* Isn't that my last name? Oh, my first name. Got'cha!

Fear

Jealousy

Selfishness

Responsibility:

It is always my responsibility. No matter what, it is either my fault or my job to *fix* it.

Envy:

What do you mean by I can't have Oprah's $$$.

Aaahhh, I can't wear the crown & be called Princess Chica... WTF?!

I can't jet off to the island of Capri, Greek Islands, Jerusalem or meditate w/ the masters...

Pride:

Goeth before I fall on my ass!

Profanity:

Like a Fuckin' Sailor, baby!

Laziness:

I'm too lazy to write anymore ;o)!

Impatience:

That is why I am not a doctor... I have no patients. LOL!

Stubbornness

Perfectionism

Punctuality:

Seriously lacking... push it to the limit. I mean, it's all about me so they'll wait.

RAGE


Bottom line, the goal is spiritual release, not spiritual self-punishment. Definitely an going process. *Sigh*. I will not be "cured" &/ or healed in a blink of an eye, w/ a snap of a finger; rather, recovery will be a daily undertaking to harmonize & scrutinize the flourishing declaration of all of our God-given needs.

What's On Mind?

Grrr... feelings are coming to the surface. Grumble... Mumble... What do I usually do when this happens? Hmmm... I binge, purge & restrict. What else was there to do before recovery?! Stuff myself so I didn't have to feel whatever was going on deep inside my core.

Feelings are a churning. I am bouncing off the walls w/ my feelings. Definitely not a happy bumble bee. I am going to have to sit w/ these damn emotions. Yep, sit w/ them. Cry over them, yell over them & write, write, write... write some more. did I mention write? Ha!


In the meantime, I will chew cinnamon gum. Thank you BR! You are my coping mechanism as I swim through this emotional vortex.


I off like a tornado...hurricane... ooohhh, a typhoon's got nada on me. *Stomp*Pout*Crash*

Just me feeling the feelings...

Caution I'm coming -- spiraling as I learn to handle my vacillating emotions.

Gratitude List

1. Walking
   
2. My Glider
   
3. Stretching
   
   
   
   
   
   

Gratitude List

1. The Scent of Oranges
   
2. The Smell of the Ocean
   
3. The Air after a Thunderstorm
   
   
   
   
   

Gratitude List

1. My Sense of Adventure
   
2. My Compassion
   
3. My Fire
   
   
   
   

Addict...

When a dear friend used the word "addict" to describe someone near to my heart it freaked me out. I LOATHE the word ADDICT... it just made me think of junkies w/ syringes in their arms...

Well, surprise - surprise. NO syringes in my cherished friend's arms but... Whoa, baby!

Definitely an addict... guess, what? I may not be "one of those" people but still I am an ADDICT! Awareness. Acceptance. Action.

Thank you God & Beautiful for my light bulb moment. LOL!!! Grateful!

Gratitude List

1. Awareness
   
2. Acceptance
   
3. Action
   
   
   
   
   

Rigorous Honesty

Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.'s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme,doesn't care for this prospect - unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 24


I am a compulsive overeater, anorexic & bulimic. Damn, I hate saying those words. No matter how long I have been in the rooms the words "compulsive overeater" just makes me feel so slovenly. Like a huge beast not in control. The thing is I am a compulsive overeater & because of my shenanigans I learned how to curtail the physical manifestation as best as I could by restricting & then by purging. Games. All because I didn't want to own up to the fact I was POWERLESS. I always longed for the day when I would "win the prize" & "treat" myself to something for being "good" for reaching a point in my sick, twisted, diseased mind when I could pick up such & such again. I always had a case of amnesia when it came to remembering what happened to myself when I ingested certain foods. How I was no different than a crack head wanting to just lose myself to the feeling of momentary aaahhh-ness. It didn't matter that I was killing myself -- I just wanted my *fix* & God help those who got in the way of me in the clutches of my disease. Whew! I was a RAGING BITCH!!!

Bottom line, I am a compulsive overeater & my disease has branched out to the anorexia & bulimia because I didn't like the fat. I learned tricks to keep from growing to a disgusting elephant. Hated the plus size clothing. Hated the comments & whispers -- or the blatant mean words about my size. It didn't matter who I was all people noticed was the weight piling on. The more I was sexually abused, the angrier I became -- so into the food I went. A vivacious cycle it was for me to chew/crunch the rage & to soothe the wounds of my soul w/ food. Only to loathe myself for not having "willpower" to just STOP! When I couldn't STOP -- I purged. I restricted. I HATED not being normal... whatever the hell that was/is. Is there even such a thing as "normal"? I mean, perhaps there are select beings who are "normal" (still not sure about these aliens).

I know w/ my recovery, if I binge, purge or restrict I WILL DIE!!! I don't have the luxury of "pretending" I haven't a clue as I stuff something in my mouth, bring it up, exercise to the point of insanity &/or restrict. No more lies. No more smoke & mirrors living! Nope. NO MORE LYING. LYING = DYING!

I have to be honest -- when thoughts pop into my head... instead of ignoring them, I must see where they are coming from? What is going on w/ me... my surroundings. What am I feeling. Feelings for me are the reason I get into my disease. I have to be rigorously honest for me -- to stay alive. To be a part of recovery instead of disease. Am I going to meetings? Sharing? Writing? Talking to my sponsor? Sponees? Am I isolating? Working the program? Reaching into my toolbox? Do I want recovery? Relapse?

I have to be rigorously honest in all my affairs -- did someone give me the wrong change? Did I not own up to it? Did I take something that wasn't mind? Long gone are the days of eating someone else's french fries & pretending the fry attendant didn't fill it up. Please, I was filling me up. I don't have to pretend I feel sick only to purge. I don't have to get my exercise in -- again -- & act as if I didn't because I was purging w/ my exercise. I have to own up to the fact that I suffer from exercise bulimia & I have to limit my workouts or else I am back in the arms of death masking as my disease.

I must be honest & say this is making my disease rattle its cage:


~ The weight loss commericals

~ Slim Fast commericals

~ The New South Beach Program

~ Jillian Michaels

~ Spring

~ Summer

~ Short sleeves... wanna pump iron overtime

Rigorous Honesty will keep me in recovery today... it's all I have -- 24 hours.

Gratitude List

1. Warm PJ's
   
2. Freshly Laundered Clothes
   
3. My Tears
   
   
   

Gratitude List

1. Cinnamon Gum
   
2. Waves
   
3. My Mommy
   
   
   

Flawless Diamond

I'm a flawless diamond
Full of promise
Radiating for all the world to see
Full of hope
Growing in my skin
Proud to be me
Despite my heartache
Shame & pain

Rainbows emerge after the rain
No matter what is going on
My soul carries on
No one can crush me
Although
I may feel crushed
& want to hide
'cause the pain can be so unbearable
My heart longs to curl up & die

I know my spirit soars
& I am willing to be the woman
I was always destined to be
Silly
Beautiful
Caring
Compassionate
Vulnerable
Unconditional love

Gratitude List

1. Wet sand @ the beach
   
2. Harry Potter
   
3. Sea Glass
   
   
   
   

Anger

Today's reading @ noon & 6:45 PM focused on the meditation reading & it had to do w/ anger. Hmmm... I am used to anger simmering but my disease & all the gunk beneath the surface is RAGE from the sexual abuse. The more my days knit into my 5 months the more I am feeling it is time to excavate all that hinders me from emerging into the radiant butterfly I am. What I've always been. I am a ROCKIN' Chica.

Anyway, let me tell on myself & say I am angry @ myself because I know better this time around. The gig is up. I can't "pretend" I don't know better. If I pick up, it is because I made the conscious decision to do so. If I purge -- it because I wanted to get back into the ring. If I start to restrict, it is all because I want to play games w/ my recovery & get back into the ring & be in my disease. Well... NO MORE! I know that is just NOT an option if I am living a life of blessings in recovery.

Awareness. Acceptance. Action.

My Decision, My Choice

. . . we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.62


Decisions, decisions. To me, my decisions are the choices I make. Bottom line, I am responsible for my actions ~ or my inactions ~ whatever the consequences may be it was always based on the choices I made. Good, bad or indifferent -- it is what it is.

Hurt feelings... usually based on the fact I had expectations. Grrr...

Expectations = Resentments under construction.

Saint Francis of Assisi

"Lord, make me a channel of thy peace—that where there is hatred, I may bring love—that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness—that where there is discord, I may bring harmony—that where there is error, I may bring truth—that where there is doubt, I may bring faith—that where there is despair, I may bring hope—that where there are shadows, I may bring light—that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted—to understand, than to be understood—to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen."

~ Saint Francis of Assisi

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions page 99

Gratitude List

1. My Netbook
   
2. Maurice Benard ;p
   
3. Mary Higgins Clark
   

Rent-A-Sponsor

Are you tired of being told like it is?
Do you believe that rigorous honesty is overrated?
Are you interested in taking the elevator instead of the steps?
Have you determined that you are terminally unique?
Would you rather try the easier, softer way?
Do you find old timers boring?
Do you think the big book is 164 pages too long?


Then Our Rent-A-Sponsor Service is perfect for you

No Reading! No Writing! No Deadlines!

No effort whatsoever is required!

And we can absolutely guarantee you will not stay sober! (or your money back)

SOME OF OUR STANDARD FEATURES INCLUDE:

*Listening to your problems without providing you with solutions!

*Allowing you to blame others for all your problems!

*Teaching you all the AA lingo so you can impress other newcomers!

*Allowing you to decide if and when you want to work the steps!

*Staying sober is all the amends you need to make!

*Why "walk the walk" when you can just "talk the talk?"

*The only resentment you really need to worry about is the resentment you have against yourself!

*Why save your ass at the cost of losing your face?

*Learn the secret of giving it away without actually "getting it."

*We also have expert sponsors for those who would like the special "relapse" program." Note: the cost of this program is based on the number of relapses you would like to have.



AND NOW FOR A LIMITED TIME YOU CAN PURCHASE OUR FOURTH STEP INVENTORY SERVICE FOR A SMALL FEE!

We are experts at understanding alcoholics, their uniqueness, and all the things they aren't willing to deal with. Leave your fourth step inventory in our hands and you will be extremely pleased with the results.

For further information, please call 1-888-SPONSOR.



If you are interested in references, we have clients in rehabs, asylums, jails, and graveyards. In addition, we have some clients living on skid row. We would be more than willing to hook you up with one of them.



Just in case anyone tries to rent a sponsor, this is a joke!

Copyright Diane V. All rights reserved.

My Resentment Prayer

Heavenly Father,


I am imperfect & tend to have way too many expectations. I want things to go my way & that often leads to chaos. God, please relieve me from the chains that keep me stuck in the muck & mire. I just need you to take every ounce of my anger, frustration & irritation @ ______ & wish them all the beauty, compassion, courage, health, happiness, laughter, love & prosperity I desire for myself. Please, God, allow me to find & know absolute serenity. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for your love, strength & understanding in handling this resentment. Lead me to victory.


Amen

Resentment

I need to remember to put ________ in my God box & then do the resentment prayer on them to rid myself of the nasty attitude that tends to slip out. I also have to place ______ & ______ on my list because I do NOT like the way my mouth snaps @ them. I have to always remember to treat them w/ kindness & not lash out @ them because they are spiritually sick. I am not going to frustrate myself or attack them because they aren't doing it MY way. I have to always keep in my heart @ all times that they are sick & don't have a program to teach them a better way of life.

As for those in program, God box, God box, God box.... LOL! Let God take it for today 'cause I sure don't want to end up in the news for snapping their heads off. Hahaha!!! I want to maintain my serenity, live in acceptance & bury all my resentments.

I need to journal on my resentment w/ ____ 'cause she totally PISSED me the EFF OFF!!! Then I remembered _____ is sick & still in the cyclone of the disease that is making ____ a freakin' whack job. Geez... I feel better. LOL!


So, here we go...


My version:


Heavenly Father,


I am imperfect & tend to have way too many expectations. I want things to go my way & that often leads to chaos. God, please relieve me from the chains that keep me stuck in the muck & mire. I just need you to take every ounce of my anger, frustration & irritation @ ______ & wish them all the beauty, compassion, courage, health, happiness, laughter, love & prosperity I desire for myself. Please, God, allow me to find & know absolute serenity. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for your love, strength & understanding in handling this resentment. Lead me to victory.


Amen


The BB version:


Dear God, I have a resentment towards a person that I want to be free of. So, I am asking you to give this person everything I want for myself. Help me to feel compassionate understanding and love for this person. I pray that they will receive everything they need. Thank you God for your help and strength with this resentment. (BB, Freedom from Bondage: 552)

These instructions are for the above prayer (Big Book, Freedom from Bondage, p. 552): 'If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free...Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.'

You can, also, include the Freedom from Bondage Prayer in the 4th Step Resentment Prayer.

Gratitude List

1. My Muscles
   
2. My Books
   
3. My Heart
   
   
   

Gratitude List

1. Ghost Whisperer
   
2. Chocolate Soy Milk
   
3. The Yankees
   
   
   
   

Gratitude List

1. My Cats
   
2. My Dogs
   
3. Unconditional Love

Gratitude List

1. My Smile
   
2. My Laugh
   
3. Me
   
   
   
   
   
   

Gratitude List

1. Hot Showers
   
2. Philosophy Cinnamon Buns Shower Gel
   
3. Philosophy Cinnamon Moisturizer
   

Gratitude List

1. The feel of sun upon of my skin
   
2. The moon casting light upon me
   
3. The feel of my babies fur in my hands
   
   
   
   

Constructing A Life

My program is a way of constructing ~ finally ~ a new life (whooo~hooo!!!) than just a way of getting over in my disease by binging, purging & starving because in the fellowship we don't just "stop". I did that far too many times & my disease did a De la Hoya on my ass. All the times of "controlling" my insanity -- my dissent into madness -- was just a lay over.

My disease is pervasive. It slinks in the shadows waiting for me to "fall off the wagon".

I was quick to run back into the throes arms of my disease. My disease takes on the role of my mother/father/sister/brother/grandma/grandpa/best friend/lover & entices me to seek shelter.

My disease is so duplicitous, it hovers w/ the most evil of grins, frothing @ the mouth, digging dirt for my grave... waiting for me to pick up, purge or restrict. Why? It knows me. Knows my M.O. -- how I was always waiting for the time I could & would reach for my *fix*. Y'know, that particular "Aaahhh" moment that would toss me violently into the vicious tornado.


Now that I am in recovery instead of waiting to get the "prize", I see the beauty, the miracles & the blessings. My recovery is NOT something I will relinquish w/o fighting as if my life depends on it because it DOES!

Gratitude List

1. Thunderstorms
   
2. Smartwater
   
3. Gel pens
   
   
   
   
   
   

Willingness

The willingness to give up my insecurities, pride, rage, jealousy, and self-will to a Power greater than myself (God) has proved to be the only ingredient absolutely necessary to solve all of my problems today.

Gratitude List

1. My 90 minute walk w/ Hope!
   
2. Destiny purring in my ear
   
3. My sponsees