Feelings

Feelings... blah... blah... munch... crunch... purge... starve... munch... jump on the scale... jump off... measuring tape...

Oh, they bring out the inner witch, okay, maybe not "inner". LOL. For me, working my program (not waiting in the wings till my character is called to the stage) means recognizing, accepting & braving all of my tumultuous feelings.

I have spent years, hiding from my emotions because I didn't want to deal w/ all of the torment growing up in the toxic environment that was my reality. It was my life & I didn't want to face all of the nightmares that were REAL & created by my family - & not the fictitious "bogeyman"!

I just wasn't able to grasp all of the suffering that was covering me like a second skin. I needed to bolt. I had to escape from my surroundings & STOP the blistering angst to survive. Well, that was me before I realized I deserved more. I needed to LIVE.

Now, I strive to live in the gear of RECOVERY NOT DISEASE. I must recognize & confront my rage, so that it doesn't poison me & solidify into resentments. No longer do I have a reason to run & hide in my heartache by "checking out". As much as I want to deny, deny, deny that ship has sailed. There may be times I want to hit "delete" because it may be to painful to endure, but I know better. When my childhood is glowing in pink neon, I have to PAUSE & welcome it into my life. Embrace this is something I went through, it doesn't define me, nor is it an excuse to shut down & numb out to avoid my explosive emotions.

I am striving to live a life of sane & happy usefulness. I need to forgive w/ a pure heart & the forgiveness starts w/ me.

For me, it is the road to healthy healing when I listen to & stay in my feelings. When it is time to release them safely, I will ask God to direct me appropriately.

January 27th, 2010