Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
1. What is it you say to yourself every time you try to “diet” and fail?
I would tell myself, I was a failure & a mistake. I would berate myself & say I was a huge monster who was just a disgusting excuse for a human being. I would cry because I just didn't understand what was wrong with me. I didn't comprehend why on earth I could not stop eating when I ingested a certain food. I just couldn't wrap my mind around this abnormal behavior with food. I lost all sense when it came to something as innocuous as a candy bar or chip, yet the inoffensive food became extremely destructive to me. I lost control - lost all sense of reasoning.
It didn't make sense to me -- it didn't register @ all how a certain combination of ingredients could turn me into a cruel, vile, unlovable, and intensely out of control human being. I behaved more like a rabid, wild beast!
I didn't grasp how I could have so much knowledge, intellect & common sense about everything else in my sphere, yet lose it all when I ingested something that brought me sheer exhalation & copious pain.
I would also starve myself to counter balance the "extra" calories I consumed. I would eat, starve, eat, starve, eat, starve... to make up for when I did overeat. Eventually, the days & nights of starving & eating became worse & I just started binging & starving for days, so I was able to "have my cake & eat it too". I learned how to purge not too long after. I learned all the tricks to eat, binge, purge, and starve.
I would look @ myself naked in the mirror to gross myself out. I was so disgusted, I wouldn't eat because the image was so ingrained, I would get sick because I was so hideous. I would try on smaller pants & gage my progress by how close I was becoming to slipping in them. It was a way to reward myself for the good job I was doing. I would slip them on & off several times a day, as well as jump off & on the scale to "check my progress".
I would also measure the size of my wrists to gage how I was doing. My disease just loved when I was in so much pain because it wanted nothing from me, but to be energized off my misery. It fed off of my heartache, shame, sadness, loneliness, insecurity, and worthlessness. It wanted to see me die -- it wants to see me die in the grips of COE, whether I am binging, starving or purging, all it wants from me is to suffer a heinous, slow demise.
My head was so filled w/ all of the words my disease kept feeding to it. It is an insatiable ore. It was also fogged from the over indulgences or the lack of nutrition. My head was not clear for a long time. There was some glimpses of clarity, but I was a zombie. I was merely existing -- either starved or gorged. I wanted to "check out" from life & get lost in the disease. Why? It was easier to escape than endure the the ache & suffering of my surroundings.
My soul was screaming for a way out, my spirit was literally on the ground, literally bruised & battered from my COE and my heart was crying for help.
2. What feelings does the thought of powerless & surrender raise in you?
Terror. Anger. Fear. I had to be the one in control. I had to have the "will power" to handle the food & my weight. Purging was my answer to balance the effects from overindulging. If I wasn't the one handling everything & everyone, it wouldn't go the way it was supposed to go -- MY WAY! I didn't feel safe in just "letting go" & trusting because no one knew me, but me. No one could give me what it was I wanted or do what it was I wanted because I had to direct everything & everyone. I was definitely the director in my environment. I didn't like being defenseless. I loathed feeling so exposed. So unprotected. It made me feel unsettled. It was unfamiliar terrain & I enjoyed being the one who was guiding every single thing.
Now, I surrender & feel completely unimpeded. It is as if the weight of the world has been lifted. I can bare my soul & breathe w/o restraints draining me. It is a gift to acquiesce & let God shuttle me around. I don't have to be stressed out & hurt by not having everyone & everything meet my expectations. Having expectations has given me nothing but stress, rage & misery deep in my being -- not to mention tears. Having all of my expectations led me to build walls causing me to lead a secluded life where I only "allow" a certain amount of individuals to come beyond the gates. The fortress was to protect me, but it also damaged me.
3. How will you know when you have taken the first step?
It was a miracle to finally admit I was powerless & not powerless for a short stint -- to get it right. To be done. To surrender knowing my growth, recovery & life takes shape in relinquishing my mendacious thinking.
When I admitted my life was unmanageable, all the bricks I was hauling around was removed from my shoulders by God ( my HP). He decided He was going to take them from me & place them in a wheel barrow to build something nurturing in the sunlight & not something to wither in the dank darkness. How liberating! What a resplendent & graceful gift to not hold on with claw marks & delude myself into thinking that I can handle everything. To have God cradle me & carry me when I am exhausted is a phenomenal blessing. An astonishing revelation of this magnificent program.
If I am veering off into disease territory, God is my G.P.S. ~ God Providing Serenity!
4. What areas of your life are you being dishonest about?
My weight loss. I have a difficult time saying I have released over 150 pounds because I still have more to go to reach my healthy weight goal. It is humiliating to know how enormous I let myself get & to know I was in that much agony shreds my heart. When I stopped purging, the pounds piled on. It was difficult not to do something to compensate the weight gain. When I was purging & starving I wasn't getting as "big". I was able to mask the chunk heaping on because I am curvy, tall & work out. No matter if I put on weight, there is muscle under me -- a lot of muscle. It didn't matter too much if I eat extra because I exercised a lot -- to excess @ times, until exercise bulimia set in.
I am filled with humiliation for the way I let myself go into the clutches of my disease. There are many times, I wish I could pretend I did not pass the 350 mark ... the 375 mark... but that would not only be dishonest, it would be feeding the disease by living in the ligature of denial.
I have come to the place of acceptance. I am aware that my dis ease was the real reason for my COE - NOT ME! I was lost. This is the first time I have been authentic & come to embrace this with rigorous honesty.
5. Is accepting you are powerless mean you are accepting responsibility? Explain.
Yes. I remember reaching for the food @ 9 to freeze the agonizing torment I was experiencing. Growing up in an abusive, cold & dysfunctional home was confusing, terrifying & unbearable. I wanted to eradicate the torture & the only way to do it @ such a young age, was with food. My best friend. My constant side kick. The food was definitely anesthesia. I missed out on a lot of life being in the food, but it was also my saving grace through a rampageous adolescence. It served its purpose @ first, than claimed me to destroy, mutilate & remove me from among the living.
6. What are you willing to do to change your life?
Follow the instructions as it is outlined in the BB. Whatever it takes to recover, I am going to be there doing it. Going into the trenches, if I must. Getting down on my knees to surrender to God. I will say, "Yes, God" & just zip it. My abstinence was just the beginning, my recovery is the vibrant rainbow.
7. One last thing – Write a history of your honesty. Share where you were, what has changed and where are you now? Lastly, how does this all relate to your compulsive overeating.
I didn't want to die because my disease was escalating @ such a rampant pace due to lifting a fork, knife, spoon, cellophane wrapper, a bakery box, a fried package from Mc Death or @ the bottom of a carton.
I was beyond repulsed. I was a wretched individual. My heart was splintered, my spirit wounded, yet my soul wanted to soar above all of the despondency I was ensnared in. I didn't want to become a statistic. I yearned to be healthy again -- healthier than I ever imagined being. I didn't want to succumb to the disease because I was ill @ ease. I wanted to be a participant in my life, not a spectator. No more observing as I murder myself due to the discontentment encasing my universe.
I didn't want to continue "sleeping" through my life anymore by being a zombie due to eating or not eating. The days of being a food specter had to come to an end. Not only was I sick & tired of being sick & tired, I was done.
I knew to heal -- really heal -- I had to confront what was bringing me back to the COE again & again & again. The affliction of being fat was one thing. I've lived the life of a fat girl, a thinner girl, close to "goal" in a diet & calories version of the program girl -- been there... done that. I endured life as a chubby wubby, been called fatso, heard the heart shattering word "obese" to describe me, but all of it paled in comparison to the crippling wretchedness of living life as it was given to me. I didn't want to face life on life's terms because it was not a twinge -- it was torture. Honestly, to know I sustained so much heart wrenching angst, is still sometimes difficult to digest on some days.
I know now that I have to go through it all to heal! I was finally ready to not only endure the heartache, but to thrive while braving through it & come out a healthy survivor. It didn't work before when I was losing not only myself, but my life to the COE. Hiding from my environment by numbing myself w/ the food was not the answer anymore. I knew better, so it was about time I did better. When I did the promises entered my life, miracles happened & life was three dimensional. What a gift to go through it all in God's time. God believed in me & it was about time I listened w/ a gentle, pure & love filled heart instead of the bitter, cold, manipulative, rage filled one my disease presented to me w/ every morsel I inhaled. It was time to listen to Him & believe in me. The fear of the unfamiliar had to be acknowledged. It was. It is nothing short of a miracle. The steps are a gift & it is truly a blessing to be where I am today.
I know to accept is to be free. I accept me as is. I love me as is. I accept my imperfections, my character defects & I accept I can make mistakes without castigating myself, and most of all, without acknowledging I am a mistake.
I am just to say, "Yes, God", "Thank you, God", let go, do the footwork, and get on my knees when I need to reconnect.
For me, to be free is to be rigorously honest no matter how it makes me look or not look to those around me; after all, what other people think is not my business. I need to keep my side of the street clean, trust God & know everything is the way it is supposed to be. It is not my time, my way or me pulling the marionette strings. It is God's schedule. His time frame.
Yes, God... Thank you, God, for the gift of the steps & traditions.
