Gratitude

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our pas...t, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

-- Melodie Beattie

Gratitude List

1. My pillows
   


2. My new bed
   


3. My new bag
   
   
   

Denial...

Wait a sec... Denial isn't a river in Egypt. For real? Seriously?! Shit. LOL. Well, I know one thing for sure, I can't work on my disease if I am unable to accept that I not only have the disease of compulsive overeating but the umbrella effects of the COE. Anorexia & Bulimia. I have the ABC's & need to toss in the denial that my disease is gone. Nope... it is doing boot camp workouts to knock me on my ass the minute I "forget" I have this disease. The moment I slip into denial, it is going to slam me a good one a'la De la Hoya w/ a dash of Ali (Laila).

Denial... may have been useful when it served to protect me when I needed it to cope but now it just is a psychological symptom of my addiction. Step 1 We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable. I was in denial for so long that I was "powerless" over food. I mean, come on... powerless over an M&M... powerless over freshly baked chocolate chip cookies... powerless over warm bread straight from the oven gimme~a~ break... I didn't want to see this, hear this or live it. Hell NO! It was demoralizing to know a cookie could bring me to my knees... or a macaroon could make me insane. Toss things around when I couldn't eat it. I remember this time last year consumming Devil Dogs. The anger, humiliation, pain & shame I felt from stuffing them in. Just ingesting them w/o tasting them. I was in denial to the fact that a box was simply not enough. I had to have the family size. I had to go to bed w/ a twin pack every night like an alcoholic has a nightcap, a coke head snorts a line & a gambler tosses the dice. I was a bottom binger, sugared out, strung out... A hung over addict. Who made promises that this would end. These crazy behaviors would stop but they progressed because I was in denial. I just didn't want to see this was me... I don't want to be this way.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A COMPULSIVE OVEREATER. I DON'T WANT TO BE ANOREXIC OR BULIMIC. I LOATHE IT! I DETEST THE FACT THAT I HAVE THIS FUCKING DISEASE. I AM FUCKING PISSED I AM NOT ABLE TO EAT WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT WHEN I WANT TO. I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO HAVE ONE FRENCH FRY, A FEW CANDY CORN AND WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT WHEN I WANT IT!!! IF I "PRETEND" I AM "CURED" I CAN INDULGE AND FALL BACK INTO THE GRIP OF DEATH AS I TUMBLE INTO THE VORTEX OF HELL STRAIGHT THROUGH THE GATES OF HELL!!! DENIAL IS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN. FOR GOD'S SAKES... I WALKED IN @ 16... WHY IS IT I AM COMING ONTO 6 MONTHS OF RECOVERY AFTER A 6 YEAR RELAPSE? BECAUSE I THOUGHT I "FINALLY" GOT IT -- THE PRIZE. NOPE, JUST MORE DISEASE ROTTING MY BRAIN. LOWER SELF-ESTEEM, SELF-HATRED, RAGE, HEARTACHE... A SLOW AGONIZING DEATH... NAH, AN ACCELERATED ONE. DENIAL IT ROBBED ME OF 6 YEARS AS I STUFFED MYSELF BECAUSE I WAS SO WOUNDED INSIDE.


My denial is bringing tears to my eyes. I think it is a blend of heartache, humiliation, rage, sadness and shame. When I "pretended" I was PMS-ing to explain my binges, the drier was the reason my clothes shrunk, I bought the wrong "size", ripped out the tags w/ my size, squeezed into undies that were too small, pretended something fit when it didn't... pretended I didn't eat when I did... Said I did when I didn't, pretended I got sick to explain my purging...


Pretended I was pregnant not to deal w/ the fact I was F.A.T. :O)...

Withdrawing because I was in denial that this death vise was destroying my life as it was strangling me...

Denial... I still dip my feet into the shark & gator infested denial swamp because my disease shouts, "go ahead this time will be different" Denial... is NOT a river in Egypt but will most definitely mummify me if I continue to succumb to it.

Gratitude List

1. The purring that sings me a lullaby to sleep
   
2. The love of my poochies
   
3. I stand up for what I believe is right
   
   
   

Let Go & Let God...

When I "let go & let God" am I just closing a blind eye? Better check my motives on some things as I turn everything over to the care of God. Then again... I need to relinquish wholeheartedly... still better check my motives & not "hide" from the truth & wrap myself in the denial bushel 'cause those friggin' thorns hurt!!!

Thank you to my beautiful kindred sis for making me reevaluate my slant on things...

Gratitude List

1. Made the 5 mile hike UP Hill
   
2. Hope is my girl
   
3. To the friends we met in the park
   
   
   
   

THE 12 SIGNS OF A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING....

1. An increased tendency to let thing happen rather than make them happen.

2. Frequent attacks of smiling.

3. Feelings of being connected with others and nature.

4. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

5. A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experiences.

6. An unmistable ability to enjoy each moment.

7. A loss of ability to worry.

8. A loss of interest in conflict.

9. A loss of interest in interpreting the action of others.

10. A loss of interest in judging others.

11. A loss of interest in judging self.

12. Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything in return.